February 2023 Newsletter: Communication, Meditation, and Navigating Discomfort

Welcome to the Third Edition of my monthly newsletter! Thank you for being here, and for your interest in keeping up with all things Mind Body Wellness. If you missed the first two newsletters, I decided to turn them into blog posts so that you can revisit them anytime you’d like. You can access them here, and can go back to check out the therapy themes and resources I sent in previous months. I hope that you find these notes helpful! 

Therapy Theme

Therapy Themes emerge when I find myself having similar conversations with my clients week to week. My hope in sharing these themes is that it helps us to feel more connected, and my guess is that if a topic is coming up for a few people, there are more who could benefit from the conversation. Whether this is a real-life example of collective consciousness, or themes based on the season or world events, you can decide for yourself. I find the sharing of these themes valuable because it helps to feel like we’re not alone (because we aren’t!). 

This month, I’ve had a lot of conversations about reframing communication. 

 What I mean is that how you say something is just as important, if not more so, than what you’re saying. Let’s say you have some feedback for your partner; they get home late from work and tune out immediately on their phone or in front of the TV. Annoying, right? More than that, my guess is that your feelings are hurt and you’re feeling ignored. 

If you’re not conscious of how you respond, you may say something passive aggressive along the lines of, “K, I guess I’ll just go to bed”, or something accusatory like, “you never pay attention to me, I don’t know why I bother”. Those responses are often formed from old narratives that come from unhealed parts of you, often your inner child or inner teenager who may have had to behave in specific ways to get your needs met. 

Here’s the thing: your feelings are valid, but those responses aren’t going to get you what you want, which most likely is quality time or attention from your partner. So ask yourself: “how would the mature adult version of me respond in this scenario? What are my unmet needs at this particular moment?”. Remember: no one in your life is a mind-reader (we definitely hope not, anyways). Most of the time you need to say what you want in order to get it. 

So here’s the framework:

1. Start with something positive: “I really appreciate the time we get to spend together at the end of the day”
2. Point out the challenge and state your feelings: “I’m noticing that the past few nights you’ve gone right to the TV when you get home and I’m feeling hurt that we haven’t had a chance to connect”
3. Ask for what you need and get clarity: “Can you help me understand what this is about? I’d love it if we could make some time to spend together”

 It seems so simple, yet in the moment takes a lot of mindfulness and practice. So before I go on, let me just say that I get it, and my own inner teenager still comes out to play when I’m in conflict. This framework is a lot easier said than done, especially when you’ve been working with the same behavior patterns for years. I also know that while this work is not easy, it is extremely powerful and can transform all of your relationships, not just romantic ones. 

Practice Updates and Behind the Scenes

I say that reframing communication takes a lot of mindfulness because it’s true - if you don’t recognize what’s coming up for you or how you feel, you can’t do anything about it and you’ll simply react. Hence, reverting to old and unhelpful patterns of behavior. 

Being able to respond rather than react is a learned skill, something that can be improved through the use of mindfulness practices such as meditation. You may have heard me raving about meditation lately, and that’s because I know from experience what a difference it makes. And here’s the thing: it doesn’t have to be a daily practice in order for you to see the benefits. That’s right, all-or-nothing thinkers, doing something is better than nothing. 

For the sake of sharing this practice, I want to give you a free mediation video so that you can give it a try. You can grab it here. Included in the email will be a discount code for my 14-Day Foundations of Meditation Course, which I designed to help you be kind to yourself and fight all-or-nothing thinking when implementing a new habit. If you already know you want in, you can find out more here: Foundations of Meditation 

Personal Reflections and Resources

If you missed last month’s newsletter, I’m spending the month of February in Costa Rica! Last month, I wrote to you about bumping into the idea of selfishness around choosing this trip for myself. Now that I’m here, I want to talk with you about leaning into discomfort.  

I’m still walking the line of how much to share in these newsletters, because as a therapist, I was taught that it’s best to share minimal details about my own life. However, vulnerability is important! And if I’m having a human experience, maybe you can get something out of it too. Not only that, but I’m working on stepping into more confidence in my role as a female business owner. In reflecting on what I want that role to be, I think it’s valuable and important for me to be myself. 

I’ve been here for about two weeks now, and when I first arrived I got hit with a lot of discomfort: anxious moments where I was like, “oh no, this was a mistake”. Despite the fact that this is the longest solo trip I’ve ever done, those feelings felt like a surprise. Even though I knew that I would have to adjust and that I was doing something totally out of my comfort zone, I was surprised when it actually felt uncomfortable. Instead of preparing for those feelings by normalizing them, my narrative ahead of time was along the lines of, “I’m cool with discomfort, I’ll be fine”. Spoiler, discomfort is uncomfortable. And, preparing for discomfort means putting systems in place to support yourself (like self care and people to talk to). Switching up the narrative to: “anxiety is normal” instead of, “I made a mistake” took a few days, but that’s okay! Of course, I miss my partner, and I miss my dog, and that part is hard. But now that I’m settled in, I’m loving that I have this solo space to be creative and enjoy myself. Both can be true. 

Here’s what I’ve learned so far:

• Just because something is uncomfortable, doesn’t mean it’s the wrong choice
• Discomfort is usually temporary
• You can prepare for discomfort by knowing what soothes you and validating your own feelings
• There’s a difference between being uncomfortable because you’re growing, and being uncomfortable because you’re unsafe
• You can move through discomfort by taking good care of yourself
• Growth sits on the other side of making uncomfortable choices

So I would love to know: what growth are you moving through right now? What stories do you tell yourself about being uncomfortable, and are they serving you? Reach out to me and let me know!

Last but not least, I want to provide you with a few resources.

First, is the free meditation video I created for you.

I also want to share this podcast with you! This Shrink Chicks episode is on communication, and outlines a similar framework to the one I discussed above. Check it out and let me know how it lands! 

As always, I’m so grateful to you for staying connected with me! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Nicole